My 95 year old father asked me to take him to the bank to make some adjustments to his accounts. I was his executor. We had a loving, wonderful relationship. He trusted me with all aspects of his care. We sat in front of the banker as I began to explain why we were there. My father suddenly began to shout “I don’t want to do any of that, why did you bring me here? I didn’t give you permission for that.” The banker coldly stared at me as did other people in the bank. He told me it was obvious he could not do what I was asking. I was waiting for him to call the police. It was quite clear he thought I was trying to commit fraud. It was a humiliating, frustrating, and confusing moment for me. I quickly stood up and escorted my dad out of the bank. I couldn’t get out of there fast enough.
We often hear about people trying to take financial advantage of seniors or others that are dependent on your care. These stories frequently make there way to the public arena. Another phenomena that does occur but is not often publicly addressed is when innocent caregivers are accused of stealing and committing fraudulent activities.
Why are false accusations made? The accusations may come from the person being cared for. Perhaps, as in my dad’s case, cognitive and memory deficits caused him to forget what he had asked me to do. These scenarios are not uncommon with people suffering from dementia.
The accuser may not want to have a caregiver. They may believe that if false accusations are made regarding a caregiver a family member or other healthcare professional will step in and intercede to remove them. They may be struggling with their own issues related to their loss of independence caused by medical problems. It may be a bid to get control of their environment and lives back. They may mistakenly believe they can safely function independently.
Sometimes a jealous family member may make a false accusation regarding abuse or theft about a caregiver to get them removed from their job. They may be jealous of a warm caregiver relationship or concerned about their loved one financially rewarding a wonderful caregiver. They view this as a potential loss to financial assets they believe belong to them.
It feels awful when you are on the receiving end of accusations or hate filled words that are associated with wrongful charges. What are your options? Here are some suggestions on what you can do:
- Don’t Engage-If the accuser is the person you are caring for take a breath. Don’t try to argue. I simply told my dad I was sorry our trip to the bank upset him. I remained calm outside. Initially inside my emotions were swirling like a tornado. I emotionally divorced myself from the accusations he made. I reminded myself that his poor memory was the cause of the situation and knew that he really loved and trusted me. He forgot about it the next day and things were back to normal for him and I followed his lead.
- Redirect and Distract-If you are taking care of someone with dementia or other cognitive issues try to change the subject as quickly as you can. What do you want for lunch? Shall we watch a movie, take a walk. Do what you can to distract them and move on to something else. Try to change the environment. It helps them move on and refocus on something new.
- Identify an item they focus on as a target. If someone is obsessed with losing a wallet and they do lose it have several wallets that look like it around the home. This helps reassure them that they are safely put away and are accessible.
- Carefully document-If you do have a caregiver arrangement where you help with paying bills or finances it is important to document all transactions you are asked to do. Try to include key family members in a discussion about the arrangement you have. Agree to produce copies of bills, receipts, and records in a timely way so there is no confusion about where or how money is being spent. This can help offset potential problems with other family members.
- Alert a supervisor or other family member-If you do work for an agency discuss concerns about potential false accusations with a supervisor so they can be proactively addressed. Identify another family member or person in the caregiving circle you can go to to discuss your fears about this type of situation. Let them know you are eager to solve it and want to co-operate since you have done nothing inappropriate. You can share how distressing this is for you and you want to find a resolution as quickly as possible.
- Legal Support-In a worse case scenario if false accusations continue to occur you may want to consider getting legal advice about how to protect yourself. Remember false accusations do not mean you are guilty and will be charged. There must be proof of intent and the commission of a crime. If you have done nothing wrong false charges will be hard to prove. Do what you need to protect yourself.
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Great article and useful.
It’s unfortunate to hear things like these for the people who are working so hard to take care of the seniors of our society.
I just started to stay with my sister in law. Shs has epilepsy, while in my care she fell. She had just gotten out of the rehabilitation place. Lack of medicine mayed her have a seizure. She doesn’t want to go to Texas.cause she will end up in a nursing home. Both her daughters want her in a Nursing home. I am not getting paid. I am there to help of my free will.
That is very rough. I hope things will go well for both of you.
I am being falsely accused and have a criminal detective aftet me for credit card fraud. I have taken care of my mother in law for 10 years and done all of her finances. Taken care of her baths, Dr visits, Every thing.
Hey im a caregiver at a rehabilitation center where a residents has reported that money was stolen out his wallet dcf was called its under investigation in im to write a statement. But its me first time hearing it . what am i to write as statement i need my job didnt take anything .residents word its whats it is so what am i to write.???
If you didn’t take anything, just state that fact. You might ask to speak to an attorney as well.
Yes, you definitely should have legal representation for your own protection. Just be honest about what and how you did your job and that you did not do anything wrong.
Relative caregiver/ I have a severely handicapped sister. After a 24 year relationship left and months later had not helped support our 13 year old or even seen her & I was sinking, so I filed 4child support our 22 year old cutContact with me when her dad left & when I filed she called CPS the case was deemed unfounded & a court date made for support- then she called APS & they began an investigation just as my sister rolled into the adult special care clinic at children’s hospital and prior to us meeting the doctor for the first time APS contacted her came over and told me I had to bring her to see the physician.I can feel immediate judgment being passed- the appointment went well the the case closed unfounded accusations… but the doctor has been requiring me to take her back and expose her to God knows what every 6-8weeks for the last 10 months or she won’t sign the in home service care plan so I can be a paid relative care giver – even before Covid I was diligent about her yearly well check being during the month of July because there are less people attending the hospital because of summer vacations there are less colds and flus going around providing a safe environment and I really can’t comprehend why the doctor would want us at the busiest hospital anywhereIn Colorado so often while my sisters had no signs or symptoms of cold flu or Covid no signs of infection of sinuses,upper respiratory ,G.I, urinary or bowel & has not been prescribed an antibiotic and 11 years nor Mr. yearly exam ever since I got custody but I refused to take her to the last 6 week well check knowing that services would be on hold & my pay stopped & I figured that would be better than taking her in before July and that we would make it even though I would take all my savings to get by and was willing to do that her doctor then refused to sign orders for her incontinence supplies prescription medication and nutrition-she is on a feeding pump and NPO-after refusing to sign the order she contacted APS and reported that I didn’t have the necessary things to provide care and I now have another investigation going although I have been paying out of pocket for all the things she needs since February they opened a case based on me not getting paid To provide care or supplies covered by insurance & are demanding I take her to that physician by the end of the week threatening to stop all services and not just leave them on hold we are supposed to attend this appointment on Thursday and I feel so bullied it is against her my better judgment..here flu rises well into may … APS Says they are prepared to take guardianship even though she is happy healthy and I am losing my life savings to provide necessities I believe the ABS contact when we first met has and always will think relationship between us and the doctor and she will forever find problems and make problems and I’ll lose my sister to complications Of some kind from the exposure or lose custody and we were protecting her and the average lifespan in a nursing home is around 8 to 9 months most due from upper respiratory or infection And almost all people today at early age with cerebral palsy died of complications with respiratory or pneumonia and I am losing my mind I have researched and mostly and cannot find any resources pointers , tips or help to get through this and I promised my sister when I got her out of foster care the wife with me would be different than her mom and she would never be displaced again- regardless of why I’ll never forgive myself if she is . After all these years in love and hardship so I cannot believe this is the way it’s turned out I don’t know how to be heard or where to begin looking I have not found a resolution… I’m unprepared for this Thursday
I’m so sorry that both of you are going through all this, Emily. It sounds very sad and complicated. Sometimes when the government gets involved, it turns out for the worse.
How did the Thursday appointment turn out?
Hi Emily: Thanks for sharing your story. It sounds like it has been incredibly difficult and frustrating with many obstacles in your way to try to provide good care. You need some type of legal protection from the accusations that are being made. I would carefully document everything that has happened as you outlined in your comment. Be specific and also document expenses for care needs for your sister and reference your spending out of your personal funds for things that should be covered. Legal aid offers services to people who have limited financial resources and may be a place to start to seek the help and support you need. I hope things have gotten better since you first wrote.