I have to make a confession. This has been the hardest post for me to write. I have sat down, time and again to put the words together and they just wouldn’t come. It has taken me weeks of prayer, of introspection and a swift kick in the butt to finally get this done. I guess the kick dislodged the words, so here we go…
I use a cane. (Even typing that statement pulled at my heart.) Please understand that I have been fighting this inevitability for several years. I would rather rely on my husband, children and friends to prop me up, and yes, sometimes pick me up, as long as I did not have to use a cane.
I understand the benefits of using the device in my mind, and over the years, I have had many conversations with friends and clients convincing them to use their canes. But when it came down to me getting one- oh boy- all of that good sense just went to the wayside.
To me, the cane represented weakness, old age, and an inability to care for my family. Therefore when necessity prevailed and the need for the cane became apparent, it felt like accepting this device would also mean that I had to accept being weak, losing my vitality and not being able to do the thing I love the most- caring for my family. I really felt that using the cane would change people’s view of me from a fortress of strength and stability to a pile of dust, and I was not ready to accept that reality shift.
I needed some serious reinforcements to support me in this decision. My husband, who also happens to be my best friend, went with me to pick it out. After trying out several models I found one that suited me. It was young looking, sparkly and had a comfort grip handle. I used it to get to the car, where I proceeded to break down and cry. Partially because it was so much easier for me to get from the sidewalk to the car and I had less pain. Admitting that seemed like I was choosing my comfort over my family.
We went to Sam’s Club to pick up a few things, and my husband asked me if I wanted to “take ‘er for a spin” inside Sam’s. I couldn’t do it. So he graciously went in, while I stayed in the car and watched the people go by (yes, and to cry some more). To get my mind off of my “problem” I went on Facebook to see what was going on in other people’s lives. As I was looking down at my phone, a hand appeared through the window and a giant box of my favorite chocolates appeared, quickly followed by a kiss on the cheek. He went back into the store and shopped, leaving me time to dry my tears and think.
In my heart, I went back to holding my children’s hands when they were little to keep them safe. I realized that now that they are adults, we were still holding hands but they were doing it to keep ME safe. I also realized that my stubbornness in using the cane was keeping me dependent upon them and others, that in reality, they had slowly become my guardians and caregivers and that I was not really caring for their emotional health with my choice. By the time my husband had returned I had decided that I was going to try to make peace with this.
When we got home I decided to use my cane to walk to the door. My son saw me walking towards the house, he ran and opened the door, and said “Hey Mom, looking good!” (I cannot describe how good that felt.) When my daughters came to visit, they both ribbed me horribly (in my family that is a sign of acceptance and love), and I could sense the feeling of relief that came to them seeing me walk steadier (the jokes about no longer looking like a drunken sailor were also an indicator).
That night, when we sat down to read the bible and pray together, I asked them how they felt about my new accessory. They all agreed that they loved it because, it gave me freedom, and they would worry less about me because I had my “personal assistant” and that I could go back to being Mom again. Amazing how our own visions of ourselves can be so far off from what others really perceive.
I named my cane Whizzy- for two reasons. First it is because I can now “whiz” around from one place to another, without waiting for someone to steady me, and second as a reminder that “Wisdom is proved righteous by its works.” (Matthew 11:19) Every time I pick Whizzy up, I am reminded that it was the wisest choice, and that by using her, I am providing proof of Godly wisdom to myself and others- especially my children.
The response and support have been overwhelmingly positive. There are some who look at me with that look of: “why her?” The real question is: ”Why not me?” I deserve to be able to feel safe and secure, to reduce my physical pain, to not have to rely on people to keep me on my feet, (literally) and to have to dignity of being able to overcome my negative thinking and experience the emotional, physical and psychological freedom that comes with my lovely red cane- Whizzy.
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What a great post. I’m so grateful you shared this for others’ sakes. I wish it had been available a few years ago when my senior mom needed a cane. She, too, had such a hard time getting used to needing one, let alone using it. It took her several months to get comfortable with one.
I’ll be sharing this with others on Pinterest and Facebook. Thank you. 🙂
As one who must use a cane in order to stand upright as I walk, I so understand and appreciate this post, Andrea. I too would rather rely on my husband’s arm to prop me up, and I saw the use of a cane as an embarrassing, all-too-public sign of weakness, infirmity and old age. But there comes a time when one must accept what is. From my heart to yours, thank you for putting this struggle into words ♥
My MIL disliked all forms of devices that she associated with getting older: canes, walkers, wheelchairs and hearing aids (she could “hide” the incontinence products). When she had to graduate from a cane to a walker, she chose the jazzy electric blue rolling model. When it became unsafe for her to go to the senior center, and we brought up the subject of a wheelchair, she became upset saying, “Wouldn’t you be upset if someone said you needed a wheelchair?” When I clarified that the model we would be using was a “transport chair” she said, “I would not have been upset if you had called it a transport chair!” Her minister said, “Well, it is a chair and it does have wheels.” So, we started calling it a “transport chair,” per her preference. She gained a measure of independence despite her vanity.
Barbara Matthews, author
What to Do about Mama?
I can understand that. My own mother is in the process of coming to grips with needing a cane herself. She seems okay with the walker because it has a seat so she can stop and rest when needed. But the cane has no redeeming factors – unless it looks like the one that Maggie Smith uses on Downton Abbey. 🙂
Needing to use a walker for a time, I found that my cane became my new best friend just so I could get around.
Thank you for this piece. I was embarrassed at first but that feeling soon went away when I found it helped me to be more independent.
My right knee flares with pain after I’ve worked a little too hard, or I had to stomp on the brake to avoid hitting a vehicle driven by a questionably skilled person. I tried using it on either side because when people use crutches, they have it on the opposite side. That was useless for me. I had to use the cane on my right side with each step.
After several years of successfully using my cane this way, physical therapist offered unsolicited advice, that I was using my cane on the wrong side. I suggested that he develops arthritis and THEN see if he has a right to advise without asking. LOL
Well, sometimes we have to do what works best for us! I was also wondering: have you tried CBD oil for your arthritis pain?