The holidays and especially Christmas Day are times that hold high expectation of merriment, joy, lavish amounts of food, the love of family and friends, the opening of presents, the admiration of decorations and voices raised in song.
Unfortunately this is not always the reality for caregivers. It’s not the reality for many other people, as well. When Christmas does not match our perceptions of how it should be, there can be huge disappointment and often dispair.
I’m going to be completely transparent here and say that for various reasons, with which I won’t bore you, I am not having a merry Christmas. It’s probably the worst one I’ve ever experienced. In fact, I can’t wait for it all to be over so that I can move on to concentrating on the New Year (I think it was a very bright person who placed the New Year Celebration just a week after Christmas). 🙂
Many things can affect our holiday spirit. Loss of a loved one is a huge challenge during the holidays. A change in job status, isolation, financial difficulties, memories of Christmases that did not go well in the past, relationship problems, and health problems are but a few more.
For caregivers, the holidays can bring additional concerns such as the disruption in their loved one’s routine due to a multitude of activities or many visits from friends and family. This can completely wreak havoc in the home and sometimes even cause the need for a hospital admission to get the loved one back on track.
Another caregiving related problem can be caused by well meaning family members visiting from out of town who have not seen the loved one in a few months. One or more of these family members might take one look at the loved one and launch into the “We have got to DO something” mode. There may even be verbal accusations that the caregiver is not doing enough or even worse, is neglecting ting the loved one. Certainly this does not lend to feelings of merriment and joy.
If this Christmas is not a good one for you, you must remember to be kind to yourself. Give yourself permission to stay away from the holiday parties, or the huge family gatherings. If relatives are coming to visit your loved one, spread out their visits so that each one can be cherished. When arranging for visitors, try to schedule them for the early afternoon, when your care recipient will have had time to complete their morning care without rush and before they have begun to become tired (if your loved one has dementia, remember that sundowning could pose a problem).
If there seems to be nothing merry about your Christmas, just acknowledge that fact and don’t dwell on it. Yes, it’s going to be a crappy day but it’s JUST one day. Attempt to find a few things that at least make the day a bit brighter. You may have to dig, but it’s worth the digging.
As an example, here is my list:
- There is snow on the ground and the sun is shining.
- I was able to get out of bed today (I’ve been sick all week).
- My kids called and did NOT act as if they were in a rush.
- I can cook the duck roast in the convection oven (my other oven is broken and I can’t afford to fix it).
- The store at the gas station was open and I was able to buy butter.
- I don’t have to take the decorations down tomorrow (because I never put them up).
- I have internet access and also the ability to call my mother in Canada (remember how expensive international calls used to be?)
- I have great memories of my father.
- I can still dance to the Christmas carols on the radio, even if it’s just by myself.
As you can see, these are not exciting things, and they won’t be applicable to everyone, but you get the idea.
Holidays will come and go and they will not all be perfect. From the perspective of a caregiver, there may be several in a row that are far less than wonderful. Still, we have much for which to be thankful and much for which to hope. And when it comes to Christmas, what we are truly celebrating is the birth of the baby Jesus and therefore we rejoice….some years, just a little more quieter than others.
Blessings to you and yours for a happy, peaceful and prosperous new year.
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Thank you for this open and honest post, Shelley! It’s wonderful how you’ve summarized another side of the Christmas experience, particularly for caregivers, and provide helpful perspective for getting through it. I like your “thankful” list, and your message of hope. It’s so important that we remember our blessings, while also seeking support as needed.
Thank you, Denise.
Hope is a wonderful thing.
Blessings to you for a wonderful 2011.
~ Shelley
Thanks Shelly. I always tried to be sure my brothers made it for the holidays so they could put eyeballs on mom and dad. I was lucky they were supportive and did not second guess me too much. I have a great sense of peace and pride in the caregiving job I did because I know I did all I could, without hurting my health or well being. It’s about balance and planning – and being grateful like you say.
Thank you, Kirk,
I love your point about balance and planning because as caregivers, it’s one of goals that sometimes gets lost in the commotion of daily living. I’m so glad to hear that that you maintained your peace and pride. Congratulations!
Shelley
I agree. In our family, the holidays DEFINED the time spent with Mom. There was pressure to at LEAST get over to her house for The Holiday (whatever it was)…that I was to prepare for…so they could all visit with each other. And ignore Mom as well.
One year, I put down my foot, after conferring with Mom and finding notes she had written to herself about what a strain it was on her time and finances.
There is still animosity cause I clamped down on the tradition. Now that Mom is in nursing home, and I visit daily, I have taken the attitude of do NOT prepare for “holiday” at all, prepare for whatever is happening at the nursing home. And I don’t mean their celebrations, but to contribute whatever I can to make the situation meaningful…or survivable.
There are those who would have no visitors at all, and those who were taken out to their home for the first time in months and have the notion that they were now home again, only to be dumped back at the home after dinner…and the redfaced waterfall of tears was heartbreaking. So that was my Thanksgiving, and I did not feel sorry that I was not at some safe home having lovely meal.
Now, on the matter of Christmas, as CHRISTmas…Every DAY is Christmas with Mom. A good deal of the soul-themed children’s books (lusciously illustrated) I use to “work with” mom have to do with Inclusiveness. there are three or four books with themes of one animal after another joining together at the stable. Always room for a little one. The dog invites the cat who invites the mouse…and then THE Little One arrives. We use these all the time, daily. They are life’s lessons in these books, the core of Christianity rather than the dogma of it.
Oh, in My Youtube channel, CarolJWright, there is a video of my niece Wendy reading one of the stable books with mom, it is very sweet. Mom can still read out loud, by the way.
There is a sweet board book where Mary savors the middle of the night where she says “but tonight you are MY baby.” After that night, he would be Price of Peace and the world’s possession, but “tonight you are My Baby.”
I have a therapist friend and writer/mentor Clarissa Pinkola Estes…and last Christmas was the first holiday I was associated with her. I spent Christmas night on her Facebook page with several lostNfound souls. After breaking away from family dinner, she headed to the hospital where she was a compassionate visitor….and she got on Facebook later that night. On New Year’s eve, she spends night in the Knife and Gun Club…the Emergency Room.
Occasionally, she will comment on the accepted traditions of these holidays, then confide (quoting one of the nuns she knows) “I’d rather wash a leper.”
Oh, dear, I have meandered all over. Didn’t have time to write a shorter comment.
Oh, with Mom, after I yanked plug on specific holiday, I made holiday last over several days, so there wasn’t a big deal about it. Snacks provided, small visiting groups, 2-3 at a time…with emphasis on VISIT and not CELEBRATE.