I have always considered myself “the designated worrier” in my family. I worried about everything….were the windows locked at night, were the cats inside? In fact, I can remember that in 6th grade (when we were learning about marijuana and heroin) that I fretted that while I walked to school, someone was going to jump out from behind a bush, stick me with a needle and I’d be forever addicted.
When my kids were babes, I worried about dogs biting them, kidnappers running off with them, car accidents, SWING accidents – you name it, I worried about it. And of course, I worried a lot while caring for my father.
I have to relay this one story. I’m an R.N. and for many years worked in the NICU with babies. You would think that an R.N. would be very calm with her own children, but NO, it only gave me more to worry about.
My daughter, who was about 14 months at the time, had a virus. I put her in the bath tub to get her temperature down and was drying her off after getting her out of the water. She began to shiver. “She’s having a seizure!” I yelled to my husband, “Call 911 !” My husband calmly said to me……………..”she’s cold”. Oh. Yeah.
But I digress.
Worrying is not good. It’s not good for the body; it’s not good for the soul. Worry causes the body to produce stress hormones and causes untoward affects such as high blood pressure, stomach ulcers, headaches, fast heart rate, asthma, irritability and lack of sleep. Unfortunately it is one of the emotions that caregivers experience frequently. But most of the things that we worry about don’t come true or are out of our control. We must become intentional about not worrying.
Worry is defined by Webster as “to afflict with mental distress or agitation: make anxious”. It ALSO means “to harass by tearing, biting, or snapping, especially at the throat”. YIKES!
Worry is also a sin. Did you know that? It’s one of those “respectable sins” that we tolerate, according to Pastor Mike Rima, of Coeur d’Alene, Idaho. “To worry, is to accuse God of neglect and calls into question his competence”.
To worry is to assume a responsibility that is not necessarily ours to assume. But sometimes we feel guilty for NOT taking on the worrying role. It feels that if we don’t worry, then we are not caring as much as we think we should. Sometimes it seems as though it gives us more credibility: “Yes, Mom is very worried!” In reality, the worrying doesn’t change anything and may in fact make matters worse by causing us not to take action against that which is worrying us.
God has given us permission not to worry. In fact, he has commanded it. In Philippians 4:6-7 (NIV), it is written “Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. [7] And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds.”
You have God’s permission not to worry and now you have mine. (Of course, mine is not as important, but it’s there.) When you feel the worry coming on, go for a walk (See my post on Walk Away Your Worries), meditate, exercise, write in your gratitude journal or your daily journal, dance, put on your “Go To” song, call a friend (but don’t put your worries on them), smack the pillows, cry and — turn your worries over to God.
Yes, I know it’s not easy. Let’s practice together.
LEARN TO LOVE YOUR LIFE AGAIN
Do you feel like you need to hit the REFRESH button on your life? Download our free guide and begin to create your best life yet!
Dear Shelly,
Do you think that maybe being a nurse has kind of set us apart from those who have never seen another person die? Do you realize how many people can actually go through a whole life never having seen another human being pass away? Being a nurse, I guess I took this for granted, I suppose.
My mother had a stroke in 2004 and our whole family thought it only natural that I take care of her. So did I. So I did, and my father needed care as well, they were both in their 70’s and hadn’t been in the best of health for years before that. I had stepped in many times before this but my father suggested I move in.
I felt that wasn’t gonna end well to begin with and struggled with it really hard.
But rather than be at home waiting and worrying, it benefitted both my mom and I to be with her all the time. It wasn’t good for my father though who was getting Alzheimer’s under my nose without anyone understanding what was happening and not being able to talk him into seeing a doctor until a lot of damage had already occurred.
Moving in was the beginning of the end. But if I hadn’t, my mother would have died sooner than she did. Which when I look back now, it may have been a blessing. She ended up with a husband who kicked me out first, then her, then spewed so many lies across our family that nobody knew what was what and all the blame fell on me. I was blamed for everything from spots on the carpet to my momm’s very death and everything in between.
It was the biggest nightmare, and is still going on as long as my sisters keep holding on to their beliefs that I’m so horrible a person. They are either still believing the delusional things my father said or else they are so embarrassed by the things they did as soon as he started this hating me, having the will put in their names, after I’d had it in mine for 15 years, the hateful and horrible things they said and did to me when my dad started hating, I worked so hard to stand up for them when they weren’t there to defend themselves, then they go and do the opposite when he does it to me.
And I still don’t know what they think I did, a person can take anything you say or do and make it look bad if they want to.
Reality has slipped away from my whole family. It seems like there is no way to ‘fix this’ as long as I am kept in the dark, which is what they’re doing, I’ve apologized as if I had done the worst things in the world, just in hopes of bringing peace back to our family, and they won’t even accept that.
This is a situation in which the only thing I can do is walk away. My family was always the most important thing to me, but now, at 52, I have to make my husband and son the ONLY thing that’s important. God first, of course, and as ALWAYS.
Believe me, I would have lost it years ago if I didn’t have a belief in God telling me to persevere. I’m still standing, and did God’s will for as long as I was able. Now I have to wait for a new mission, or else I am doing it right now and don’t know it, but this feels right, and helping my son and husband will at least leave me with people who know me and will always love me. Knowing that God does above all, is the only thing that kept me strong enough to even stay alive.
Hi, and thank you for posting your story,
This is the kind of story that can help so many
people………….because difficult scenarios with family members happen to so many caregivers. They (and
the people who shun them and blame them and make the caregiver into the
enemy) need to see how often this happens.
It happened to me …. and it happened to my sister who was first caring
for my father. My father accused her and her kids of stealing all his
money. And I believed him! I believed him until I could see how many
other people he thought were stealing his money. Even then, my family
thought that I was just caring for him as an excuse not to work more. Because they were 1500 miles away, they could not understand why he
couldn’t be left alone…even AFTER he called 911 because he thought the
NASA astronauts were going to crash.
This “family blame” thing is very common. Family members often think that criticizing or mentioning (and I use that word loosely) all the things that the caregiver should be doing better, shows that they are doing their part by “caring”. By in reality, they may have no clue about how much work it is to be the primary caregiver.
And yes, I think that as nurses, we are more likely to be “delegated” to the
role of parent caregiver. It might be a good thing because we can
interact with the health care professionals a little easier and sometimes
understand what’s going on a little better, but as you know, a caregiver
never chooses that role; the role chooses the caregiver.
I believe that you are right to put your son and husband first,
especially in this instance. Your son still needs guidance and your
husband needs a partner in life. And you need to stop apologizing. You did nothing wrong.
Blessings