I was visiting with a friend last evening. The weather was lovely and we were enjoying an evening of conversation on
the patio: firming up the menus for 2 week-end barbecues and discussing how to entertain some visitors from Australia that I would be receiving the next week. So it was quite a long evening.
Over the course of the evening, I began to notice that she was repeating stories. I’ve noticed this to a certain extent in the past but not to the degree that it was occurring last evening.
Of course, coming from a background of caring for a father with dementia and having been involved with the Alzheimer’s Association, the possibility of dementia in ANYONE is always at the forefront of my mind. I even suspect myself of having it from time to time.
But this was different. One of the things that she reiterated (not less than ten times) was how she makes her smoked ghouda omelettes. I can now cite the directions verbatim! From choosing only bacon that comes from “Tim’s Market” to “carmelizing the heck out of the onions, mushrooms, and chopped bacon”, I’m pretty sure that I can do her recipe justice.
Of course, that’s not the point. The repetition of that story (and 2 or 3 others) and the frequency of the repetition was distressing. Knowing her medical background also makes it disturbing. There was a situation about 2 years ago where she suffered heart failure and coded at home. She remembers the EMS (Emergency medical system) personnel saying “We’re losing her!” In the hospital, she suffered renal failure and was also diagnosed with Diabetes Type II.
This is the perfect set up for vascular dementia.
I believe that one of the reasons she repeated her stories more often than usual last night is because she has had some bad news about a very close relative. Also I am not around her enough to know if her bills are being paid on-time, if she has misplaced items frequently, or if she has gotten lost while driving. But I still believe that this was a big enough warning sign to cause me to wonder what to do next.
Her family doesn’t live close by and in fact are not even in the same state so it’s not likely that they’ll be able to notice these small changes.
Even when speaking to a relative about the possibility of dementia, there is always fear of embarassing, hurting or alienating them. It is awkward under the best of situations and with a friend I think that fear is even more profound.
I think for now that I will just watch her a little more closely and if the subject of dementia comes up, I’ll nonchalently mention an instance relating to something I saw and ask her opinion about it.
What would YOU do?
NOte from Shelley: If you’re worried that YOU might have dementia, here is the link to a self administered “Gerocognitive Examination” provided by The Ohio State University: http://www.sagetest.osu.edu/Sage-Form1.pdf
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I had a similar experience, I was dating a man who I knew years ago, he was brilliant but we broke up due to his drug use. 30 years later we rekindled and he was darling but he told the story of traumatic events with his ex-wife over and over, some time 4 reviews in an evening. When I suggested he seek help, couched in the idea of the trauma, he became visibly upset.
His ex and children say horrible things to him about hating him for being angry all the time. But he does do crazy things, announces he is going to work putts around for a minute then picks up the News paper and sits down to read.
I was visiting him on a vacation watching this at the time and it was startling enough I came home early. Time has passed and he has shown that he will have a sudden burst of temper, he writes mean spirited emails, accusing me of things and I am 1300 miles away! or says he never wants to hear from me again and doesn’t remember it the next day. So I stopped having a relationship with him, I explained in painful details why, and he continues to write periodically bazaar texts. Often he will be watching a TV show and text me out of the blue to tell me what he is watching, after a month of no contact.
I worry he isn’t safe but his angry behavior has run everyone away.
Does this sound like dementia? He is barely 60, I sometimes fear I over reacted then I reread an old email and get over that idea.
Long-term drug use has been known to cause dementia. I’m unable to diagnose that – it would take a physician to be able to make any type of actual diagnosis but I CAN say that he is exhibiting some of the symptoms. He may not recall that he told you of the events of his ex-wife or even that he is mad at you. If he has dementia, he may often be living only in the very present moment.
I wouldn’t bother spending a lot of time explaining WHY you are choosing to keep your distance (because he probably won’t remember), but DO keep your distance. You are right to be concerned. Perhaps his ex and children need to made aware of a possible medical condition for his outbursts (which can be a sign of Alzheimer’s Disease or other dementias). 60 is not too young for dementia to begin its appearance and dementia shows itself in many different ways.
Best wishes to you, Nancy.
I have a friend who is 70. Over the past several months, she has consistently gotten lost driving to familiar places. She has stopped showering regularly. She tells the same story over and over (yesterday, it was 5 times in an hour). She loses things like her driver’s license. She stays up all night and sleeps, beginning about 6am. She cannot fill her pillboxes without help, and doesn’t remember to take her medicines. She has no children and no nieces or nephews. Her only living relative is many states away and not really capable of helping. My friend has many devoted friends who want to see her in a safe place, which is NOT her own home. Even in the best of times, she has been extremely resistant to change. Her friends and I are thinking we need to have some sort of intervention during which we would like to convince her it is time to move to an assisted-living facility. I’m used to dealing with toddlers and am familiar with the concept of “offering choices.” Is that a good idea now? We really have no idea how to handle this.
Yes, it seems that you and your friends may need to chat with her but that will only be your first step. She is probably either not aware she has a problem or is denying and trying to hide it. It’s a concern that she has no other family.
When you plan to have the conversation, choose the time ahead of time. Make sure that you are all at your best. You’ll need to be able to be patient and non-accusing so all should be well-rested.
Choose a quiet and comfortable place to have the discussion. You might begin by saying something like “we’ve noticed that you haven’t been yourself lately and that we’re a bit worried about your memory. Have you noticed any changes yourself?” She may deny that anything is wrong. If that happens, don’t argue but quietly mention some of the specific incidences.
Be ready for any reaction though. She may get angry, may deny or may be happy that you’ve brought it up. Nothing may happen during this initial chat but it might set the ground for further talks. Don’t mention dementia per se, as it could be something else. Just mention memory problems. Reiterate that you and her other friends are there for her.
One thing you might encourage is the use of a fall alarm with a GPS. Perhaps several of you could look into that (or an Apple watch app) for yourselves. There are some stylish versions now being made and some even track steps.
If you feel she’s in emanate danger, perhaps a geriatric care manager or an elder mediator could be called in. If the risk is too high, you can notify adult protective services and have them make a visit.
Please send information to my friend at (edit – address). His name is Miguel (edit – last name) a 77 year old male who has many symptoms of this illness and is becoming a risk to himself and is health and safety because of his severe short term memory loss and the increasing inability to continue hiding it anymore. He continues losing items such as documents, keys, repeats the same stories all over again as if he hadn’t previously, and the major thing that keeps occurring is leaving food cooking and burning up on the stove while trying to complete other tasks and forgets until the smoke is seen from the kitchen where there are no smoke detectors present. He gets angry at others accusing them of taking his things and then later he finds where he put them with no apology for his mistakes of blame.
I truly believe my friend has alzheimers and or dimentia and I believe he does as well but is afraid to get help.
If he could get some self-help materials to read just maybe he can come to a better understanding of what is happening to his brain and what he should or should not do.
Miguel is really stubborn and an angry person at others who try to talk with him about talking with a doctor.
Miguel is a long-time friend of many years and I may be the only one in his life that will try to help him.
If a questionnaire regarding memory loss is available for him please send one and hopefully he fills it out and gets some help.
D.A.H.
Hi,
I’m a bit confused because you are commenting as Miguel. Are you speaking about your friend or yourself? Either way, you are right to be concerned.
We don’t have any specific memory tests available to send out. I would suggest speaking with his primary care physician about your concerns and perhaps attending an appointment with him. His physician could refer him to a memory clinic, a neurologist or a gerontology specialist.
You might also simply ask him if he has concerns about his memory. He may be candid about it than you think.
I don’t know how to speak to my friend’s husband about the memory loss I have been watching in her. I can’t believe he doesn’t know, however it has never once been brought up. Do I simply wait until it comes up, assuming he’s dealing as best he can? I would like to offer assistance, but am not sure that is the right thing to do..
Hi Joanne,
Many times the spouse already knows or at least, suspects that their loved one is having memory issues but they are complicit because they are hiding it from the outside world and are covering for them or they just don’t want to accept it.
I know it’s hard but it’s best just to come right out and ask him gently. Something like “I’m a bit concerned about ‘Mary”. She did or said (such and such). Have you noticed any memory issues yourself?” He may feel free to confide you (and it might even be a relief to have someone else know) or he may deny it. Even if he denies it, he may come back later and bring it up to you.
If you don’t feel comfortable asking him, is there a child of theirs that you have a good relationship with tand you could express your concerns?
I have a very close friend, going on 80, who lives out of town. She visited twice this year and both times I noted changes that lead me to believe that she might have dementia. She became defensive about things there was absolutely no need to be defensive about. At one point, before I realized there might be something besides general crankiness going on, which is also not her usual M.O., I mentioned a podcast that talked about how music could help people with dementia. She flew off the handle and asked why I kept talking about dementia (I hadn’t except for that one instance and it’s always been a subject of general interest for us both, especially since one of her parents had it and one of my grandparents). I told her that we’ve always talked about it and that seemed to calm her down. She did a couple of bizarre things which made no sense. For instance, I found her walking around the house holding a napkin under a coffee cup. I thought the cup was hot. It turned out that the cup had a crack and was leaking. She thought she had invented a new way to resolve the leak (the napkin). I asked if she would like a different cup and she became upset and refused a new cup. There were other things. She has been very inconsiderate about some things which is very unlike her. She has also forgotten my birthday two years in a row. Many times when I speak with her on the phone, she sounds fine. Every once in a while she sounds a tiny bit confused. Recently she told me that she turned up at a volunteer job on the wrong day. She is a very intelligent and proud woman and I suspect she knows what is happening as she mentioned she’s taken a couple of dementia tests over the past couple of years but said she passed them. Maybe she did if she is only at the beginning stages. Ever since I began to suspect something is wrong, I’ve altered my behavior so as not to cause her stress or cause her to get defensive. For instance, I haven’t confronted her, or even kidded her, about forgetting my birthday, etc. She has family living nearby her so I don’t worry about that but we’ve been close friends for over 30 years now and I wish she would tell me. Is there a way I can broach the subject with her without making her defensive? I’m sure she is in denial, I know I am as I can’t figure out what else could be causing some of this behavior. It’s also important I know as she is my executor and that may have to change.
Hi Yael,
Thank you for commenting.
You’re right to be concerned (and I would agree about reconsidering the executor). Those so seem like signs of dementia. A lot of times when people are concerned that they have memory problems, it is always on their minds and so when it gets brought up, it feels like it’s being brought up constantly. If she does know that she has a memory issue, it may take some time for her to process it and that’s okay.
There are different reasons for memory loss though, so you might approach it that way. Maybe encourage her to see her physician to rule out something else – a medication issue, an electrolyte issue or some other health issue.
If you’re feeling strong enough, let her know that you’re worried about her. Give examples of issues like missing appointments, misplacing items, forgetting your birthday or forgetting names if any of those apply. You may want to keep a journal to jot these things down so that you have a record for the future (but be careful about this because if she ever sees it, she may think you are plotting against her.)
I’m not sure I would approach her family at this point, but if you feel that she is in danger, then I would consider that.
Best wishes!
Shelley
Thank you for your suggestions, I appreciate it. I don’t feel comfortable approaching her family at this point but she lives very close to them and sees them at least three times a week, her sister, maybe more. I’m hoping that they have an idea about what is going on. I will encourage her to see her physician again. I’m hoping to travel out there next year some time. Again, thank you for your response.