I have to admit that I had a meltdown this week-end. I was overwhelmed, exhausted and feeling very alone. Caregiving is tough enough; add to that the difficulties of menopause and the symptoms are magnified So I did what most girls would do (ok, maybe not most, but some). I went crying to my mother. While my father lives with me, my mother does not. They’ve been separated for several years but are still on good terms.
My mother’s solution was to say that SHE’LL take care of my Dad. Of course, all I really wanted was some sympathy, but now she has decided that my Dad will come to live with her and has already called to invite him ( read PERSUADE him). Well….
My Mom is 85 years old, is moving to CANADA next month (where she has not lived for more than 40 years and as such has not had to deal with winter driving) but she gets around well and is still pretty clear-thinking. My father, on the other hand, has dementia, heart failure (with pacemaker and implanted defibrillator), uses a walker, takes 8 different medications, tends to sleepwalk, is being placed on oxygen at night and …..I’m gonna say it, is stubborn (especially about power tools).
My first inclination was to say to my mother, “you can’t do it”. Well, needless to say, that didn’t go over well, which is probably why she went ahead and extended the invitation to him. Will I ever learn?
Ironically, I ran into my friend/mentor (who is a social worker) at Border’s bookstore the next day, where we were both gathering books on aging topics. She pointed out something that I’ve been contemplating since then. Because I have conservator/guardianship status over my father, I guess I have the final say, and, of course, it is my responsibility to make the best decision for my father. But…..is my ego getting in the way of letting my mother take care of my father (if, in fact, my father would choose to accept her invitation). Am I wanting to be the only one who is capable of care giving for him because it’s good for my ego?
I do believe that I’ll keep better track of his medications, monitor his cardiac status more accurately, be able to find more appropriate physicians here and that he’ll probably live longer if he stays with me but if my mother is able to provide care that is “good enough”, at this stage of the game, is that really important? Is it not akin to me letting him have his coffee and a little salt because of quality of life? Or should I take the fact that my father states that he wants to live to be 100 and do everything in my power to help that come true (as long as his quality of life is good) ?
Are any of you in the same position? Are there things that you continue to do for your loved one that another person could handle just as well, thus giving you more time for yourself and decreasing your stress level? Perhaps we need to look at our motivations for doing the things we do and consider whether or not they are ego-related.
In the meantime, I still have some thinking to do. : )
LEARN TO LOVE YOUR LIFE AGAIN
Do you feel like you need to hit the REFRESH button on your life? Download our free guide and begin to create your best life yet!
How can I help my MIL? We were visiting this weekend, and she was so nervous she was knotting up her clothes while we talked. She says my FIL can’t do anything for himself–can’t even get himself up out of bed–but he did get himself up and into his wheelchair and come into the living room while we were there. She also says he does little snide, spiteful things to hurt her. I have to work and chauffer the children, plus she feels she’s the only person who can adequately care for him. Even when she leaves and someone else stays with him, she doesn’t enjoy herself for worrying about him. Any suggestions? Thanks!
This is so timely for me – I used the same phrase about myself today. My dad is terminally ill with cancer and today his nurse called saying she thought he was depressed. I immediately my ego get in the way by getting defensive, taking it as a knock on my caregiving (I am the sole caregiver for my dad and my 89-year old mom) that my dad could be depressed.
After a while, I was able to back up and be open to the nurse’s suggestions, while also sharing with her that my father has always been inner-directed. He’s never been outgoing or talkative. He’s no different now than he’s been for the 58 years I’ve known him.
I think it’s easy to get tied up in rescuing and let our ego get the best of us and our caregiving decisions. We all do the best we can…with the knowledge we have in the moment.
Hi Gayle,
I’ve been in her position, sometimes I still am ! She sounds so very stressed-out ! If you’ll sign up for my free newsletter, you will get a report “12 Things You Must Do to Stay Healthy and Sane While Caring for an Aging Parent or Loved One”. If you’d rather not sign up for the newsletter, let me know, and I’ll send you a copy by e-mail.
In the meantime, she absolutely MUST take time for herself. She needs to know that while he may not like to have someone else besides her staying with him, that he’ll still be fine while she’s away.
Has she checked into support groups in the area? These are VERY helpful. She can share her experiences and learn from other participants.
Does your FIL have dementia or are physical problems his greatest worry? When you say that she states he does “snide, spiteful things”, my first thought is that those are sometimes signs of Alzheimer’s Disease and if he hasn’t been checked for that, perhaps he should be.
You might want to find some books on caregiving for her (or other family members) to read. I have some of my favorites listed in a box on the right hand side of this blog.
Also, contact her local Area On Aging…………they have many resources and are a free service. They can often provide free respite care, as well.
Let me know if there is anything else I can do to help.
Hi Ann,
You’re exactly on-target with the use of the word “rescuing”. I have done that all my life….probably why I became a nurse. 🙂
Best of luck in your care giving.
This is timely for me today, too, because I’ve had one of those difficult days that comes when giving care to an elderly loved one. In my own case, however, the loved one is my husband, who had an 8-month hospitalization four years ago, came out of it miraculously, and now, the day-to-day survival takes a toll more enormous than anyone can possibly imagine. Other family and friends aren’t really there to understand or help, or even the least bit “get it,” because they think the hard part ended when we left the hospital. I have an aging husband, however, whose judgment is impaired, who makes mistakes, and who I have to take responsibilities away from as a result. This is enormously challenging, since it’s his independence that has allowed him to do so well. Respite care? I wish. I’m on 24/7 and some days it looks like there’s no light at the end of the tunnel. Do I do it because of ego? I suppose it’s a factor. I don’t think anyone could care for him as a new diabetic and deal with his issues as well as I can. Plus, he’s my husband; if he were a father, I might as another sibling or family member to do it. But this is the man I partnered with for better for worse, for richer for poorer, in sickness, and in health. It is hard, and somedays are worse than others. Since this was a worse day, it actually helped to read your article. Thanks.
Gee, I thought my life was hard (moved 4000 miles from my closest friends, became caregiver for my 84 year old mother and my 58 year old Down’s brother, and now my sister, who has shared in these tasks, has just had major back surgery). I know all too well the paralyzing effect of indecision or second guessing a previous critical decision. Much of my life has been as a problem solver. Course correction is essential, but the critical part is in making a detailed analysis of the problem. I have found that sleeping on a puzzlement has often produced great results.
For me, I don’t know if there is anyone who could provide better care for those 3 of mine and regardless of any stress that comes up, I must seek the resources I need to get through and most of those resources are found within.
I don’t mean to sound as though I have the answer to your dilemma, God knows I have enough trouble answering my own. But look at all your options!
Hi
my dad is 76 years old and pretty independent. But has a heart condition which requires lot’s of medications and doctors appointments. I have an older brother but he doesn’t really do a lot to help. Most of the care is done by me. I recently found a service Famililink which helps me to communicate easier with my dad and include my brother plus others more in keeping my dad engaged. Basically it is an easy website for him, he has his own email address and anyone else can just sent him messages, photos and videos as attachments which get all displayed automatically for him. I use it not only to keep him in our family loop but also for medication reminders ,scheduling appointments and let my brother do this as well.
Also when I go away for a week, i ask someone else to take care of the updates in calendar etc . It helps a little
Carla
Carla, Thank you for providing this wonderful resource. I’ll look into it and discuss it more in an upcoming blog.
I think it’s even harder when the loved one that you are caring for is a spouse. First of all, you have essentially LOST the person that you married and to whom you used to be able to turn for advice, support, encouragement, and hugs. And because you’re caring for your husband, you have now become a reluctant head-of-household which is NOT what either of you anticipated. Secondly, family members consider it your DUTY because of your marital vows and rarely feel the need to share in your care giving duties. In their mind, it’s “Oh, that’s such a shame.” but it’s on your shoulders, not theirs. With a parent, there are usually (but not always) extended care family members to provide some relief (although they can also provide more grief sometimes.) You’re right; not many people “get it”.
I hope your “worse” days are fewer.