My father has dementia that has progressed to a point between the 2nd and 3rd stages. As such I have been granted conservator/guardianship over him and his affairs. (Conservator/guardianship means that I have control of all his medical, financial, life decisions).
As you know, with dementia, there are periods of seemingly complete lucidity ….and then there are the rest of the times. My father doesn’t understand the implications of the conservator/guardianship. He just knows that I’m “taking care of his things now.”
Like most men, my father is in the habit of carrying a wallet with him containing money, credit cards, health insurance enrollment cards, identification, etc. I have been told by various experts in the field of dementia that he should not carry ANY type of credit or debit card and no more than $20.00 in cash. It was easy to convince him to hand over the health insurance information and identification cards, but I am having difficulty obtaining the credit and debit cards. No….. “difficulty” is not a strong enough term…in fact, he REFUSES to hand them over. My father has always been willful and stubborn. As I am usually at his side when he is out of the house, I felt it was one of those battles that I would choose not to fight. It hasn’t been a problem until recently when he went out of state to visit family and insisted on taking his bank cards with him. Because I thought that he would be spending most of his time in the family home, I wasn’t too concerned, but as it turns out, whenever someone is leaving the house, he asks them to take him to the bank because “he needs some money” or “he wants to check on his money”. Several times, family members have succumbed to his wishes and chauffered him to the local branch of his bank. Because his accounts are now in my name, he cannot “check on his money” but he can use his bank card to make a withdrawal…which he has done.
My concerns are two-fold: that he’ll lose his cards, and that he’ll buy unnecessary items (did I mention that when I was still working, he bought a truck and had it delivered to the house – that was AFTER he lost his driving priviledges)?
I have handled having to take away the driving priviledges, restricting use of power tools, eliminating coffee maker and coffee-pouring activities but taking away the items he has carried with him since becoming “an adult” is something I can’t seem to get past. It’s like taking away that LAST bit of independence . In our society, we are almost synonymous with the “bartering power” or money that we have.
Can you offer any advise?
LEARN TO LOVE YOUR LIFE AGAIN
Do you feel like you need to hit the REFRESH button on your life? Download our free guide and begin to create your best life yet!
Wow, that sure is a tough one. With my dad, there is no c/cards or a bank card to worry about, the bank card is in my name. Is there any way since your his Conservator (Guardian), that perhaps you can notify the companies to contact you before your father makes any withdraws or a purchase over a certain dollar amount, sort of like an allowance limit? Maybe request his c/card limits back? Have you given thought to maybe exchanging them for a prepaid card? So he still “has” something?
I have lived what you are going through. My father, who had dementia, was obsessed with his wallet,often losing it or misplacing it or accusing people of stealing it. I would not put more than $20 in the wallet because he either lost the money or gave it away to strangers.
As for the credit cards,I put one expired card in the wallet so he thought he had capability of using it. All he cared about was the idea that he had a credit card. I would tell your father that you need his credit cards to renew them or to check on the numbers because you were notified that someone had used them.
My father always wanted to go to the bank and as you said asked everyone and anyone to take him. I would take him as often as I could, since I worked full time, to withdraw $20. At other times, I told him that we had just gone to the bank yesterday (even if we hadn’t). I did not let him have a bank card. Perhaps you could tell him that his bank card expired and a new one will come in the mail.
It is difficult to lie to your father, I know, but it is sometimes necessary to protect the person with dementia. And it so difficult to know the times when they are lucid and the times when they are completely out of it.
It is challenging at best to take away your father’s independence but it is necessary. Just remember that he won’t remember most of it anyway.
Thanks so much for your reply. I’ve sent notifications to his banks, CC company (he only has one card ) and other persons with whom he had business relationships. I like your idea of a prepaid card. Unfortunately with him, he’ll get upset if he happens to hit the limit and then he’ll demand to know where all his money is. He can get quite honery.
Hi, I’ve just now found this blog whilst searching around the Internet as I’m researching some material on debt relief!. I think it’s a good blog so I bookmarked this site and intend to revisit another day to have a more detailed look when I’m more free.