Watching a loved one suffer can be incredibly tough, but it can prove to be even more difficult if that loved one needs help that they’d rather not receive. This is often the case when a once independent parent is found to be living in a dangerously filthy environment. Adult children are often surprised to discover this situation when they have not lived close-by for some time and then make a visit “home” to see Mom or Dad.
It’s only natural to want to protect and care for an elderly parent, but convincing a parent that they need help is not an easy task, and special care should be taken as to avoid making a loved one feel as if they are being punished. Emphasis should be placed on the fact that assistance may enable the parent to continue to live independently as opposed to moving in with a relative or transferring to an assisted living facility. A thorough discussion is also required to ensure that the loved one realizes that seeking help can actually allow more time to be spent with family or friends or focused on fun activities such as socializing or hobbies, rather than cleaning and assisting in activities of daily living. Finding the most appropriate solution may not be easy, but there are multiple sources of assistance available.
Elderly individuals, particularly women, desire to keep their independence as long as possible. One option is to retain the services of a home aide. Such an individual typically offers such services as running errands, housekeeping, cooking, meal preparation and other tasks. Depending on the level of care required, there are both weekly and daily schedules available. In fact, some senior citizens have live-in aides that offer their services around the clock. Many of the older population would rather have an aide than rely on assistance from family members, and this is one option that is available. if there are funds for such services.
The local Area Agency on Aging might have some programs for senior citizens who are living “independently” in their own homes and may provide some of these services either free of charge or for a very nominal fee.
Environmental chaos can also be caused by Alzheimer’s Disease or another type of dementia. Depending upon other findings during the visit, a medical examination might be necessary to confirm that the elder can continue to live on his or her own even with supplemental assistance.
Sometimes, though, it may be necessary for a senior citizen to move in with one of their grown children or be transferred to an assisted living facility. Both of these situations are very difficult ones to work through, but above all, the safety of the elder must be taken into consideration and a decision made with their best interest is the best one to make.
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Hi Shelley
I was hopeful that you may be able to give me some advice regards my mother in law
she lives in a unsafe unhealthy environment but refuses help or medical intervention ?
We live in the Uk and I have so far not been able to find any resources of what to do next?
We are unable to help unless she agrees to it?
Kindest regards
Hi Natasha,
I’m so sorry to hear this. It’s a difficult situation to deal with.
You didn’t mention whether both you AND your mother-in-law live in the UK so I’m going to assume that to be the case. And sadly, I don’t know a lot of what’s available there as far as elder help. Here in the U.S., when an elder is living in an unsafe environment, even if by their own choice, we consider that to be elder abuse and are able to seek help from social services. They would simply come out and assess the home, offer help and utilize available services. If the senior refused help, the social worker would be able to force the issue if need be. Here we would call adult protective services. Do you have anything like that available to you.
Another option is to speak to an attorney who specializes in elder law. They often know of services or laws that could protect her and you.
We also have family mediators here who will sit down with the elder and her family and discuss options, while keeping the atmosphere non-judgemental and calm. Notes are usually taken during the meeting so as to document the conversation. Perhaps you have family mediators there?
It’s a sticky situation because if you don’t try to help, you could be blamed for allowing her to continue to live this way. And of course, if she continues to live this way, she could be hurt, end up hospitalized and lose the independence that she so clearly desires.
Best wishes to you as you navigate this difficult time.
My mother has to go through Christmas weekend with bed bugs eating her alive. The property management says they are working on it but nothing has happened yet , and they ha e hade 10 days to do something. Merry Christmas Wilson real estate manegement in Yakima wa. While you celebrate I watch my mother get eating alive by bed bugs. Yes. Have fun and celebrate while people in homes you manage deal with bugs
I am so sorry to hear that. It’s so hard to understand why residences can’t seem to care for our loved ones appropriately.
My father is 95 and refuses any help we offer. His house is filthy, he isn’t eating healthy foods, clothes are everywhere, and it smells horrible. I am afraid to call social services because I feel they may force him to move. I really don’t know what to do. He gets mean and angry when I talk to him.
Hi Becky,
This is a tough one. I’m not sure they would make him move, but depending on the local laws, they may admit him for evaluation and have the county step in (or allow the family to clean while he was admitted), but that won’t solve the long-term problem. And then, of course, you’ll probably be seen as the bad guy and he may refuse any future help from you. Perhaps a different option is to contact his physician and ask for a memory care workup. Maybe he is developing some dementia or another type of brain condition?
Another option would be to look for a geriatric care manager to help you evaluate the situation and make some recommendations. They are usually eaither r.N.s or social workers who have their own practice. You can find done here: https://www.aginglifecare.org/
Also, we have a large Facebook group of family caregivers (sponsored by Lively.com) who are a wealth of information and are very supportive. You can find that here: https://www.facebook.com/groups/519703424844168 (in the questions to join the group, mention that you learned of the group on the blog).