There are good days and bad days in care giving. Today was not a good day. My mantra is that there is joy in care giving………but there was no joy in Mudville today.
First of all, I slept for all of 4 hours last night because my father had just returned from surgery and so I was extra vigilant about noises from his room. I was awake from 2:30 a.m. til almost 7 a.m. I finally fell asleep but was awakened at 9 by my father’s stumbling noises in the kitchen. I RAN downstairs just in time to find him adding additional water to the coffee pot reservoir with (he had already added more coffee grounds to the basket) . If I had not caught him in time, the coffee maker would have spewed boiling hot water (yet again) onto my (very expensive) cherry hardwood flooring. My head said “yes, I know he doesn’t understand”, but my emotions said “WHY doesn’t he know that EVERY SINGLE MORNING all that needs to be done to get coffee in motion is the push of a “grind” button. Thankfully, I kept my cool.
On Saturday, he had pulled the towel bar out of the wall of the guest bathroom because he uses it as a grab bar and as much as I disliked placing grab bars in my guest bathroom, we did so this morning, showing him how to use them and that the towel bar would be right next to the grab bar so that guests would still have clean towels to use. So, as I’m preparing dinner, I hear a crash, then another, then some metalic sounds and (groaning) head off to investigate. Yes, you guessed it, he has used the towel bar instead of the grab bar again and pulled it back out of the wall saying “I just leaned against it”. GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR
Again, my head understands this, but my emotions are screaming WHY THE H….L can you not differentiate between a white grab bar and a brushed bronze towel bar WITH towels on it?!?!?!?! And why the H……L can you not remember to flush the toilet?!?!?! And while I’m at it……….why the H……L am I stuck in this position when I should be enjoying my days of mid-life??
But alas, many of you are in the same postion as me, aren’t you??? Tired, frustrated, wishful, angry, wondering how in heaven’s name you are going to make it through this whole care giving situation.
We’ll do it though. And in the end, we will be happy that we gave it our best effort, that we fought the battle, that we perservered and made our loved one’s last days the best that they could be. And……..we will be content………because we will know that we did the best that we could. Who could ask for more?
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Sending hugs. I’m right there with you!
Wow. This post really brought a tear to my eye. Thank you for being so candid about your anger and frustration yet compasionate when all is said and done. Your father is extremely lucky to have you in his life like this, whether he knows it or not.
Your story almost sounded like we live in the same house. The exact circumstances differ but the frustrations are exactly the same. Mom’s problem is now incontinence and yesterday I changed her depends 3 times and washed the bed linen twice and dammit I wish things were different. But I love her and promised myself I would go through the h…l because she has for me!
My goodness ! You’re a saint. I have already decided that when it gets to the point where I need to change my father’s Depends, I will hire a male caregiver. I don’t want that kind of relationship with my Dad, nor would he be comfortable with it.
Be careful that you are taking care of yourself, as well.
I cant find time to take care of myself….I dont get a break, very little help from siblings…they are busy with their own lives. And I can feel the pressure building up, I asked for help, but not getting it. I understand the frustration, what makes it hard…step-dad is the patient, and my mom has no patience for him…rubs off on rest of us…waiting on the official diagnosis!
I can easily see that your step-Dad being the patient would add an even greater frustration. In the back of your mind you may be thinking, why should YOU be responsible for someone to whom you’re not even related?
I used to tell myself that I had no time to take care of myself, but then I learned that it’s a MUST.
Have you contacted your local Area Agency on Aging to ask for some help. They may be able to provide you with some appropriate respite care or some additional information. If your step-dad has dementia, you can attend the Alzheimer’s support groups that are usually found in most communities. You will learn a LOT there.
Let me know how I can help you.
~Shelley
Just finding this site is helpful. Thank you!
Hi and thank you for this site. I am a former nurse and my parents are in their 80’s and are thankfully still well. We have slowly implemented little things to ensure they stay well. We put in a stair lift to help them on the stairs because I dad has vertigo and my mom has arthritic hips and an alarm system they can activate if something goes wrong with either of them. All is good so far
My mother-in-law however had the challenge of living with her husband who had dementia. My husband and I at a distance (live 10 hours away by car – 4 by plane) would try and help her out by getting care, assessments done, getting her some respite etc. It was challenging. We did finally get him into a home after he had called 911 in the middle of the night because of intruders (there were none but the SWAT team was called), he left in the dead of winter (we live in Canada) in his housecoat to go to City Hall etc.
The sandwich generation we are and we need ways to take care of ourselves. I specialize in creating simple, effective in the moment strategies to help people de-stress in the moment. These strategies work miracles in helping us develop perspective, be proactive and calm down throughout our day. I know they help me lots when I have the worries about what to do next with my folks.
Take care all.
Gerrianne
Yes, I can relate. My father called 911 because “the astronauts were in trouble”.
Your “in-the-moment” strategies sound wonderful. I’d love to hear more about them.
Thanks, Shelley